On March 26, 2020, Governor Sununu issued a “stay-at-home” order, closing all non-essential businesses in New Hampshire due to Covid. Covid affected everyone in the state. Not only did it disrupt their lives but it also affected the lives of everyone in the whole country. This marked the beginning of the pandemic, an unprecedented time for everyone. For me, this time when the “stay-at-home” order was issued was a blessing. In the next couple of paragraphs, I will explain why it was a blessing. In order to do this, I will first give you a picture of what life was like for me before the “stay-at-home” order was implemented.
At the time the “stay-at-home” order was put into effect, I lived in Keene and received services from Monadnock Family Services for a mental illness I had. At that time, I was diagnosed with Depression, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Along with these diagnoses, I had a social anxiety. All of these made it hard for me to interact with others. In general, it made it hard for me to leave my apartment. At that time, because of my depression and my social anxiety, I dressed in all black. Dressing in all black was a way of letting people know I didn’t want to interact with them. When I did get out on occasions, I never left Keene. It was only to go to appointments which I was required to do in order to receive treatment for my illness, to go to work, to get a haircut, and to go to the library to use the computers. At that time, I had very little contact with my family. This was not because they didn’t care for me. This was my choice. When I did communicate with them, it was through MFS. This was the way I preferred it to be. At that time, from when I first moved into my apartment until the “stay-at-home” order went into effect, I felt there was a “stay-at-home” order on me.
On the day that the “stay-at-home” order went into effect, I was faced with a decision. It was to either stay in my two-bedroom apartment, which was what I pretty much did already due to my illness, and have all of the support I was receiving from MFS cut off or leave Keene and stay with my mom in Peterborough. I was told by MFS that if I stayed in my apartment what the negative effect of that would be on my mental state. It was possible I could have a relapse. I decided to leave Keene and stay with my mom. Looking back, I realize this decision was the turning point in my struggle with my mental illness. This decision changed my life for the better.
I left Keene on March 27 thinking I would only be with my mom for a month. What I and everybody else didn’t know at that time was that I would end up staying with her for four-and-a-half months. That was because of how long the “stay-at-home” order lasted. Looking back, I can say that living with her for those months was crucial in my recovery.
During the “stay-at-home” order, I felt life slowed down for everyone else making them go at a pace I was going at. Before the pandemic, I felt I was trying to catch up to everyone. This made life extremely challenging for me. Now that life slowed down for everyone else, I was able to catch my breath and find the motivation I needed to continue on. We were all finally going at the same pace.
At my mom’s those four-and-a-half months were a time when we became close. It was a time when I learned things about myself that I never knew before, and a time when I grew in ways I never had before. For the first time, I was living with someone else outside of psychiatric hospitals and group homes since I left home. At first this was hard for me. At my apartment in Keene, I was accustomed to only thinking about what my needs were. While at my mom’s, I had to consider what her needs were. Through doing this I started opening up and allowing her into my life. This was when the healing began for me.
I remember a therapist I had at MFS once said: “once you embrace the loneliness, someone special enters your life.” Looking back to the months that led up to me leaving Keene, I was embracing the loneliness at my apartment. I was finding ways to keep myself busy. That someone special who entered my life was my mom. She was and still is my best friend.
At my mom’s I got out on a regular bases, which was something I never did at my apartment. At hers, it was either with her or alone. There were many times when I practiced driving. It was during those months that I was in “the driver’s seat.” I was finally taking life into my own hands. While practicing driving she and I visited family and friends. I had a brother in Nashua and a brother in Sudbury. There were other times when we went up north to Lancaster to be with family. We also went grocery shopping together. In addition to all this, we often went for walks. When I went out alone, which was something I never did at my apartment even when I did get out, it was to do a quick errand or for a brisk walk.
Looking back, I realize it was because of my mom that I was able to reconnect with my siblings and get to know her partner.
In addition to getting out, there were times when we invited family and friends over. At my apartment I never had people over. Not even family. That was one of the reasons why life was so lonely.
When it wasn’t possible to socialize with others in-person, I kept in touch with them over the phone. Talking to people over the phone was a way of socializing, which was also new for me. At my apartment, because of my social anxiety, I didn’t know how to hold a conversation over the phone. I was afraid that the people who lived in my apartment building would hear me talking and listen in. This made me extremely paranoid.
In addition to the social interactions we had my mom and I found ways to keep ourselves busy at home. Cooking became a big part of our lives. We ate three meals a day together always helping each other prepare them. We also spent many evenings watching nice movies, shows, and the news on TV.
Looking back, I realize being with my mom, which allowed me to reconnect with my siblings and get to know her partner, allowed me to feel comfortable being around others. This not only gave me opportunities to socialize but also, on a deeper level, allowed the healing within my family to start. At my apartment, because I very seldom got out and even saw my family, I was deprived of any opportunity to start that healing within my family which needed to happen in order for me to get better. While at my mom’s, the social anxiety I had for years started to go away. At the same time, my depression got better. All this helped me find reasons to enjoy life. As a result, I felt comfortable expressing myself by wearing colored clothes. This changed my outlook on life. I no longer saw things black and white/all or nothing.
Now, when someone asks for advise on how to overcome depression, I say: “If the person who is depressed truly wants to overcome his/her depression, he/she has to make lifestyle changes.” Looking back, I realize that if I stayed at my apartment during the “stay-at-home” order, I would’ve never overcome my depression. Leaving my apartment to live with my mom in Peterborough felt like “I was a bear leaving my den after years of hibernation.” Once at my mom’s, life was never the same. It was never the same after I returned to Keene four-and-a-half months later. That was because I made lifestyle changes while living with my mom that I implement into my life today. It was because of her and the lifestyle changes I made that I’m no longer struggling with depression. It is also because of her that I let my family into my life and the healing among us was able to begin.
This song below, “Journey of You and I,” could have been written for my mom. It was written by Kodi Lee who is a 27-year-old blind and autistic musical prodigy. He performed it on the Fantasy League of America Got Talent during the semifinals just recently. He wrote the song for his hero, his mom.
When I first heard the song, I thought of my mom. Just as much as Kodi’s mom is there for him, my mom is here for me. My mom has always been here for me. She is my biggest support.
Thank you, mom.
💖
timothyweeks 
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